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A Sweet Return

Welcome back to The EffBee Diaries! 

I see that my reader ratings haven’t gone up at all during the time I was gone, but I blame myself for that. It’s what I get for going the whole summer — and most of September — for not posting a damn thing.Hopefully, what little readers I have will forgive me for that. Please, do I’m so very sorry, but, sadly, I was faced with a fresh batch of depression this summer — not whining, just informing — which I am doing my very best to overcome.

On the bright side, though, I do have some news that is in no way associated with the fact that I can no longer access my Twitter account: I have a Google+ account, which you can follow to keep up with my updates and use to contact me with if you choose to do so. Here is the link —
https://plus.google.com/u/0/108443860969671702009/posts

Now, I know some of you are sitting in front of your computers, saying, “Wait a minute, I thought this was a blog about Facebook?”, and well, it is. However, with FB cracking down on multiple accounts, I can’t very well create a new account under a pseudonym — readers get ten points if they actually know what that word means — and with me writing this blog incognito, it would also not be wise for me to create a page for the blog under my own account. So, you see, going to fastest growing social networking site on the web just seemed like a smart move to me, and for those of you who favor Google+ over FB — don’t worry, I’m promise not to trash your networking site.

Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever actually trashed FB, to be honest. Only some of the people on my Friends list that have a little more than a tendency to piss me the hell off  :-/ 

Anyway, readers, how did your summer vacays go?

Well, I hope. I spent a lot of mine dealing with the aforementioned depression and following the 2012 US presidential election, and let me just say, I will be voting Obama this year. Why?

Simply because I am a woman, and I enjoy having my rights as one, and well — no offense, Republicans — Romney seems like a sexist a-hole. And, please, don’t challenge my political status, don’t make rude comments about me voting for Obama, and don’t post any links to articles about why Romney is better than Obama. I deal with enough of that on FB and your comments, links, and whathaveyou will be deleted just because I don’t feel like looking at them.

For those of you who are still wondering, my boyfriend and I are still together. We still love each other, we still drive each other nuts, and we are still very, very happy. 

My FB wall has been filled with posts on politics, LGBT rights, optimism, and pets. Also, I’m not sure if my relative who had a baby earlier this summer — please, see blog post “How Do I Say This Nicely?” from July in case your mind needs refreshing on this — saw the blog post I made in which she was briefly mentioned, but either way, she has chosen to torture me and everyone else on her Friends list with a grueling daily slideshow filled with pictures of her youngest daughter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the kid is cute and all, but is there really any need to post 10+ pictures of her on a daily basis?

I actually used to enjoy seeing the pictures because I’ve been so out of touch with my family since moving in with my boyfriend — mia familia lives on the other side of the country, remember? — but now I’ve taken to just ignoring them.

Oh, and big news — I have a cellphone now!

That does not work because my beloved kitty has chewed through yet phone-charger cord, while I am left to wonder how in the hell he is able to digest those wires.

Seriously, that can’t good for him, and I plan on taking him to the vet soon.

In the meantime, please feel free to check out my Google+ page and comment on my posts and look forward to my now weekly updates.

Yes, that rights! I’ve actually decided to create a schedule for these posts. Look forward to it, tell your friends, blah blah blah.

I, again, apologize for being absent during the summer, and I hope you’ve enjoyed my “Welcome Back” blog post! 😀

~<3~ Whitney Belle

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Free At Last

Lately, I have decided to be more vocal with my thoughts and opinions and just try to be myself more when it comes to posting on FB. What that means is that this is a different blog because I can now start writing about my posts and how people respond to them on FB as well as about things I can’t/won’t post on FB.  Now, let me start by saying that it has not been an easy thing to be open with my thoughts and opinions on that website because I am surrounded by my family and terrified that they will judge me, but I’ve done it and I feel better, happier, and freer because of it.

It started with a rant that told my friends and followers five things about me that they did not know that had all already been expressed in this blog. Then today I came out as bisexual on FB for the first time. This was probably the hardest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever had to do because I know there are homophobes in my family, who are against same sex marriages and who feel that the members of GLBT community should not have the same rights as everyone else, but I did it. Surprisingly, there has been no response.

Yet.

And I’m really starting to wonder why that is exactly.

I’ve known I was attracted to members of both genders when I was eight years old. I told my best friend, at that time, “I wish there was a way I could love everyone,” and she responded with, “Well, you can’t because there’s only gay and straight and nothing in between”. Needless to say, I was a very confused child, especially when I had my first girl-crush on a female anime character >.<

How someone could fall in love with a cartoon character was far more confusing to me than how someone could fall in love with a person of the same gender as them. When I first found out about gays and lesbians when I was about six or seven years old, I figured, “Love was love, and it doesn’t matter who you’re with as long as you love.” Not everyone agreed with me…Discovering that one could have feelings for a cartoon character, however, made me feel as though I was on the verge of insanity. That was just not normal, in my mind, because how could one fall in love with someone who did not exist?

Anyway, after being told that there was no way for one to love everyone — AKA both genders — my mother began sending my brother and I to church, and I began reading The Bible where I read that homosexuality was “an abomination”, which was — and is — why so many people in my family disagreed with it. I did not agree with what The Bible said and was hugely disappointed when I read those words because I believed that it meant that if I performed an act of homosexuality or was maybe even friends with someone who did, then that would make me a bad Christian, even though I maintained the belief that you are a good person as long as you love the one you are with.

I stopped reading The Bible then and became reluctant to go to church. I did not want to be a part of anything that taught that we had to hate people in order to be a good person. It was bad enough being told, “Gays and lesbians are hated by everyone. People would want to kill you if you were gay.” Not only did this idea terrify me, but it also made me sad that people were being treated this way. I didn’t want to hate anyone — I didn’t even like the idea of hunting animals.

In middle school, I began experimenting and soon realized that I was in love with my best friend. She did not return my feelings and began to avoid me until eventually we stopped speaking altogether. The last time I spoke to her was when I was 16 as she said “Hi” to me on her way to work. It was so awkward, like speaking to an ex.

In high school, I started noticing girls more and more, and this frightened me. I didn’t want people to hate me. I didn’t want my family to hate me. I didn’t want people to think I was a freak. The other kids at my school thought I was weird enough as it was — I liked anime and wanted to learn to speak Japanese and insisted on nicknaming myself after my favorite female anime character.
I tried to deny my feelings and wound up with a hole in the place where my heart was. A hole filled with anger and hatred and sadness and fear. I was angry that I had been made this way, and that I was surrounded by pretty girls and none of the guys I liked liked me back so not even they could distract me.  I was angry that people were hateful and cruel, and I hated them for it, and I was sad because of everything I felt. I was so sad that I was living in fear, and ended up telling myself, “It doesn’t mean anything, if you don’t say it out loud, and you like guys, too, so just date them and you’ll be fine.”
Eventually, I found out that some of the people closest to me at that time were GLBT and I made my first lesbian friend. I learned that these were good people and no one seemed to hate them or want to be mean to them in anyway. I began doing research, using GLBTQ self-help books I found in the library. The books taught me how to recognize whether or not I was confused or truly GLBT and how to accept myself if I was or wasn’t, and how to tell my family.
I came out to my immediate family — my mother and my brother — and then to my friends when I was sixteen. My mother decided that the best way to deal with the issue was by ignoring it and I was told not to talk about it anymore. I did, though, mentioning how I liked certain actresses and thought certain girls were hot.
It didn’t help much, though, but my friends were very accepting.

In any case, all of this is starting to make me wonder, whether or not my mother told my extended family about my sexuality or if they are simply ignoring the issue entirely. I believe the latter is more likely to be true, and if it is then I can say nothing more about my family, except for that I pity them. If they are so intent to remained blinded to the truth so that they can live happily in their own little bubble of a world even when the truth is thrust upon them unexpectedly,that they go as far to ignore said truth even when it is presented to them by a loved one, then what more can I say?

I hope that you have enjoyed my latest update, and I apologize for keeping you waiting so long. I hope that you are able to forgive me.

~<3~ Whitney Belle

I’m sure you know from my previous posts that drug abusers really piss me off, especially people who use marijuana because they just love to keep on making excuses for their addiction. They range from the classic, “I’m not an addict — I can stop whenever I want” to the somewhat newer favorite “I need to smoke it; it helps me with my anxiety”.

It helps you with your anxiety, really? Ever hear of a little thing called ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION?!

Oh, what’s that — you can’t afford it?

Hmm.

Well, I’m sure it couldn’t possibly be because you’ve already spent all your money on marijuana and that fantastic bong over there -_-

I mean, come on people — you do not marijuana to help you with your anxiety problems or depression or whatever. I don’t even think you really need anti-anxiety pills. I think you need therapy, although I’m not going to deny that probably are people out there who would get more help from the pills faster than the therapy.

In any case, the excuse that marijuana abusers make that pisses me off the most is, “Marijuana’s not a drug — it is a product of our Mother Earth!”

Hmm, really?

Let’s consult the dictionary on this one.

noun

1.

Pharmacology . a chemical substance used in the treatment,cure, prevention, or diagnosis of disease or used tootherwise enhance physical or mental well-being.
2.

(in federal law)

a.

any substance recognized in the official pharmacopoeiaor formulary of the nation.
b.

any substance intended for use in the diagnosis, cure,mitigation, treatment, or prevention of disease inhumans or other animals.
c.

any article, other than food, intended to affect thestructure or any function of the body of humans orother animals.
d.

any substance intended for use as a component of sucha drug,  but not a device or a part of a device.
3.

a habit-forming medicinal or illicit substance, especially anarcotic.
4.

drugs,

a.

chemical substances prepared and sold aspharmaceutical items, either by prescription or over thecounter.
b.

personal hygienic items sold in a drugstore,  astoothpaste, mouthwash, etc.
5.

Obsolete . any ingredient used in chemistry, pharmacy,dyeing, or the like.
^Copy/pasted from dictionary.com, and in case you’re wondering, the third is one my favorite. Basically, however, what all these definitions mean is that it doesn’t matter if you putting marijuana in a bong and smoking you or boiling it with your chemistry kit — its still a drug.
So you can stop saying that it isn’t now, thank you 🙂

I think the title pretty much sums up the fact that I had a not-so-great day today. Wondering why yet?

Didn’t think so.

Well, my few and hopefully dedicated readers, whether you care or not, that’s what this blog is for. For me to whine and bitch and vent, very hypocritically so because I actually hate listening to people bitch about their problems, about whatever BS pushes me to the point where I just need to tell someone about it and my only means of doing so — literally — is by blogging about it.

It all started technically last night at around one-thirty in the morning. What was I doing up that late, you ask?

Trying to learn HMTL coding, so that I could update my blog and make it look more….Well, me. The coding, by the way, turned out to be completely useless and very confusing, and I ended up simply making making a new header, which actually turned out quite nice. So “GO ME!” on that one, and, yes, I do think I deserve bragging rights for that. I did a damn good job for someone who barely knows how to use a computer.

Seriously, it wasn’t until like last year that I found out what LMAO stands for -_-

Anyway, there I was learning my coding, minding my own business with my boyfriend sitting beside watching No Country For Old Men when suddenly — ZAP! The cable is gone, and then the internet. Then there’s this taunting “You Are Not Authorized To View This Channel. Please, Contact Your Cable Service Provider At 1-800-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH” message flashing on the TV screen as we both sit there, just waiting for it to go blank.

I think most of you know that if you have cable, then there’s a pretty good chance that that same company also provides you with your home phone service. So when they shut off your service, there’s really no way you can call them unless you have a cellphone.

Which me and my boyfriend do not.

So the cable goes out and my boyfriend starts yelling and swearing and throwing stuff, going on about how horrible his life is and how stupid everything is and how if I was only able to find a job, everything would be SO much better. And I’m just sitting there thinking about how I kind of knew this was going to happen because we hadn’t paid the bill yet and we were late — again — and it wasn’t even the first time we had been late with it, and how it was our fault because this was just how life worked.

I waited for my boyfriend to calm down, and then he threw in our Netflix movie — Coraline — and just chilled for a while. By the end of the movie, it was five-thirty in the morning and I was exhausted, but we sat up for a little while anyway just talking about why he thought Coraline was scary and I just thought it was a deeply unsettling claymation movie for seven-year-olds. Then we went to bed, and woke up well after the alarm had gone off.

My boyfriend gets up, and goes to talk to his uber psycho-Christian mother (no offense, Christians — it’s her, not you, I swear) about the cable being turned off and about how we can’t pay to have it turned back on because we don’t have any money in our bank account because his paycheck doesn’t come in until Thursday. Then he comes back and the cable and internet is back on because he promised to pay it on Thursday, and he goes into this speech about how it’s all too much and he shouldn’t have to live this way and about how if I could only get a job, things would be a million times better. And then he tells me that if I don’t have a job by October — AKA in three months — he’s gonna have to send me back to New York to live with my mother for who f*cking knows how long!

Never mind how I feel because I’m not the one living under so much stress and so pressure — never mind the fact that I constantly feel like shit about myself and about my life because I’m twenty-two-f*cking-years-old and I’ve never worked a day in my life, except for a God damn paper route, which doesn’t even count because I was technically self-employed. And because I wasted the first year of my life in Florida, crying and bawling and being depressed because I had to go off my anti-depressants and I had to learn to accept the fact that my mom thinks my six-year-old sister is a better daughter than me and I was homesick and grieving  over my dead grandfather, who raised me and died when I was 16 because I never got the chance to grieve him when he did die because the anti-depressants surpressed all my f*cking emotions! And because I have all these people saying that he should send me home because I don’t have a job yet like it’s my fault no one wants to hire to me — and do not post a comment saying, “Well, it kinda is — I mean, look at all the time you wasted”, because I already f*cking know!

But just never f*cking mind all the pressure he’s putting on me because he has to pay bills and that’s all that f*cking matters because all I have to worry about is a blog with no readers!

I am a writer. Sort of.

See, I’ve been working on perfecting my writing skills for a really long time because I used to want to be a novelist. However, I have given up that dream because I decided that being a teacher and reducing bullying in schools is more important to me, although I do still write fanfictions and stories for fun.

Sometimes, though, I have a hard time coming up with names for the characters, so I frequent baby naming advice forums to come up with ideas and to sometimes ask for opinions on some of the names I pick for my characters. Usually, I just ask about the pronunciation and if it would suit a certain type of person, blah blah blah. Lately, though, visiting the baby names boards has become more of an obsession just because I love seeing all of the stupid, horrible names people come up with for kids because coming up with uneek — AKA made up and misspelled — names seems to be a really big naming trend at the moment.

For example, on one baby name forum, a woman asked about the name Levia for a girl. Yeah, that’s right. Levia.

And if you’re sitting there, wondering why that just looks like Levi with an A tacked on the end of it, that’s because IT IS.

Normally, I see names like that on the forums and I just laugh or roll my eyes or do one of these O.o, as I’m sure most other people do as well. I usually keep my rude comments to myself just to be polite, but if the name is something unbelievably horrible, I may just try to interject.

That, or sit, watching the ensuing the drama whilst shaking with laughter as the original poster throws a temper tantrum over the other posters’ various opinions — most of which are negative.

However, how is one to react when a uneek name is brought up by a friend or family member?

This is something that I’ve been struggling to figure out lately because two people I know whom I am — or in the case of one, was — very close to have had babies in the past two weeks, and the names they’ve just chosen for them are very….Well, let’s just say their out of left field. I bet by now, you’re probably wondering what the names are, aren’t you?

Well, sadly, I have decided that it will be best for everyone’s feelings and safety — mainly, mine — if I did not share them because one of the people is a relative and the other is a close-ish friend. Random chick on forum who came with the atrocity that is Levia — sorry, I’ve got no love for random strangers who pretty much tell me and all the other regulars on the forums to spout rainbow-colored unicorns about your horrible idea for a baby name or f*ck off.

I will, however, say that both the names nicknames that can be begin with K, and that when I told my boyfriend one of the names, he merely looked at me and said, “Are they randomethnicityhere?”

U_U *Sigh*

As far as I’m concerned, people can really name their kids whatever the hell they want. I mean, they’re their kids, not mine, but if someone asks my opinion or is a member of my family, then I will feel more inclined to comment on a bad name. I usually won’t comment, though, and the reason why I won’t is because I’m not as stupid as I was as a child or teenager and know that my incessant nagging and negative opinions rarely do little more than piss people off and cause other negative emotions.

And also because it’s rude. There’s that, too…

But when someone I know and am close to posts a truly bad name on Facebook or something, and I know that their kid may not like it or something, then what do I do?

Well, I’ve decided the best thing to do is to blog about it, and pray to dear God that they never find the post and so, here I am, blogging away.

Let’s keep this just between us, shall we? 😉

Please, feel free to comment and share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences if you are or ever have been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

~<3~ Whitney Belle

I have issues with a lot of different things. One of the things I have issues with is marijuana.

No, I don’t smoke it. I’ve just seen it ruin a lot of people’s lives, and I think that if something is illegal then people honestly shouldn’t mess with it.  I mean, don’t get me wrong if you have cancer and you need the stuff for medical reasons, go ahead and smoke it. Just don’t do it around me, that’s all I ask.

Another thing that irks me is when I something reposted by Friends on FB from a page like “Marijuana Will Save the World” or something and it’s just going on and on about the benefits of hemp. I know that hemp is useful stuff, but I also know that hemp and marijauna aren’t the same thing —

http://www.iamshaman.com/hemp/hemp.htm

I just feel like screaming at them, “Hey, dumbass, hemp and marijuana — not the same thing!”

One thing in specifically happened this week, relating to marijuana, that really pissed me off. I recently liked the fanpage for a popular parenting blog called STFUParents. I don’t have kids or anything. I just enjoy some of the blog posts because they’re all about the stupid things that parents and say and do via Facebook and the internet.

So, anyway, earlier this week an article appeared in my newsfeed via the blog’s fanpage, and it was all about a mother who smoked marijuana and got high, while taking care of her two-year-old. In the first part of the article, the woman went on about how everything she did with her child was suddenly so much more interesting and then concluded by saying she was mom, who smoked pot and she was a person and she didn’t want to be put in a box. She also stated that marijuana helped to “edge off of my fatigue-induced bitchiness. ” Her words, not mine.

Now, I know I must sound judgemental and narrow-minded, but I’m really not. I know that hemp is illegal because some moron politician had too much money involved with the paper companies and lumber industries and didn’t feel like loosing his funding, but, honestly, every single person I’ve known, who has smoked pot has done it because kept them “stressing out”. In other words, they had some sort of mental or emotional issue — usually, depression — that they either just didn’t feel like getting help for or didn’t have the money to get help for because they were too busy spending all their money on weed!

Hate to say it, but it’s true.

I commented on FB that it was my opinion that drugs like marijuana and antidepressants were for people who didn’t know how to deal with their problems, and people should seek out therapy rather than self-medicating. The response I received was  “Hey, Whitney Belle, way to lump together mental illness and recreational drugs.”

Honestly, this pissed me off more than anything else because GUESS WHAT — I have depression. I was on antidepressants from the time I was sixteen until I moved in with my boyfriend and had to stop taking them because my health insurance ran out. I’ve been there, and I know that antidepressants don’t work and I also know that while I was on them, I didn’t learn anything about dealing with my problems or about what was causing them while I was on them.

Now, that I’m off them, I realize that all my problems stem back to my childhood and poor parenting skills (not mine, someone else’s — no kids, remember?) and that the best way to deal with them is by seeking therapy. Not by popping pills once a day, while I lecture my friends on why it’s wrong to do drugs while they’re pregnant because they were too stupid to realize that — OPPS! — marijuana causes increased chances of miscarriages, even though they want to keep the baby anyway.

And I’m sorry. I know that sounds bad, but seriously — they teach this stuff in high school fucking health class. How does someone not realize that?

Anyway, just to put an end to the post, this is basically how I feel about drugs —

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nAZi_eUjoU

YOU ROCK, FOAMY!

Hi…

My name is Whitney. Welcome to my blog. I hope you enjoy it, but unless you enjoy listening to nameless strangers ranting and stressing via the internet, then I’m guessing you won’t.
See, the whole point of this blog is….Well, you know how must people have,like, a Facebook account or Twitter page they use for ranting and venting and junk?
I don’t. I have, like, no privacy because I’m Friends with my entire family on Facebook and, well, Twitter kinda sucks. I mean, how much ranting can you really do with only 140 characters? I bet you’re thinking, “Well, okay, she’s kinda got a point about the Twitter thing, although I still love it, but the why f*ck would you friend your entire family on FB — who’s dumb enough to do that?”
Well, I am, and the reason for that is because I moved to Florida two years, so me and my boyfriend could go to college together and my family lives in New York, and being the stupid, irresponsible teenagers that we are (at heart — he’s twenty-one and I’m twenty-two, so we’re really NOT teenagers), we are now so broke we can’t even afford a house phone 😥
Facebook is really my only way of connecting with my family and the outside world. So, now, seeing as I cannot use Facebook to rant away my inner rantings and ravings, I have decided to create this diary and where I can share my thoughts about…Well, everything.  A lot of which will include my friends’ and family’s posts on Facebook (hope you don’t mind) just because.
So now that you know why I’m here, I hope you look forward to reading my updates and, um, tell your friends because I would kind of like to have some readers, no offense.
Talk to you soon!
~<3~Whitney Belle